I feel like I need to dig to the depths of my self-hatred before I can find my way back up on my own two feet, to a place where I can begin to feel joy again. That I need to flush out all this negativity, loathing and sadness through written word, similar to feeding a fever or flushing out a virus with water and rest. That I need to get all the “ucky” out and start fresh.

I was sitting in a meeting with a salesperson a short while ago, and all I could think about was how much I detest the person I’ve become. I look at pictures of myself from years ago, and I see something that’s missing- something that has been sucked out of me through a drinking straw, leaving me empty except for the unpleasant residue at the bottom of a bottle. I look at my bloated face, my dulled eyes, my shrugged shoulders. Where is the vibrant girl who had that sparkle in her eyes? Who was that woman who dreamed impossible dreams and lived life spontaneously and learned to finally stop apologizing so much for her existence?

It could be easy- I could blame it on my fractured childhood, my crappy job, money problems, everyone else around me- but the truth is, it’s my own fucking fault. Nobody is in charge this life but ME, and it’s high time to assume responsibility and, more importantly, take action.

Tomorrow I shall go out and do something crazy, something daring (yet legal!), something outside my comfort zone. It’s time to start flushing out the toxins and stop sitting around, waiting for the world to grab me by the hand to help me up onto this wonderfully dizzying merry-go-round called life. It’s time for me to just jump right on my own damn self!